I have woken up to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders more than ever these past weeks. Most days, it feels like all I can do is tread water just to stay above the surface. I’ve come to think of this as a collective “uncertainty fatigue.” We are all submerged in this shared feeling of vulnerability, disappointment, and fear, asking ourselves: How do we do this? How do we stay connected when the ground beneath us feels so unstable?

When life goes according to plan, we have our routines, we understand the “game,” and we feel pretty sure about how to keep our comforts coming. When we know what to expect, it is easy to feel confident, and even easier to feel virtuous. It is as if the “goodies” are dropping into our lives simply because we are doing everything right.

However the truth is, we still live in a wild and uncertain world. Just because we live under a roof doesn’t mean life has been tamed. Many of us are currently “existentially surprised,” wandering around with a shell-shocked expression that says, I thought I was doing everything right. How could this happen? We search for cause and effect, hoping that if we find someone to blame, even ourselves, we can get back on track.

You are not bad or incompetent just because life has kept you guessing. You have simply run out of map, which makes you an explorer by default.

When we run out of map, our brains go into crisis mode. We start treating everything as a high-stakes emergency. But here is a reminder I have to give myself often: Not everything is as urgent as it feels. The intensity of the urgent feeling often drives us to act and react quickly, but that intensity is not always what the situation requires.

When we feel that what if? trigger, we often fall into the Reassurance Loop Trap:

• We feel a spike of distress and an urgent need for certainty
• We check, we research, or we ask for reassurance
• We feel a brief moment of relief
• The doubt returns, and the cycle repeats

The problem isn’t the content of your worry; it’s the mechanism you’re using to try to relieve the anxiety. Certainty is a feeling, not a fact. In a wild world, nothing is entirely risk-free, and the most important questions rarely have certain answers.

In these moments, it is tempting to numb ourselves to this pain or try to avoid it entirely. But avoidance is a blunt instrument. When you successfully numb the pain, you also numb the joy, meaning, and connection that make life rich.

Instead of seeing your anxiety or disappointment as a problem to be managed, try viewing it as a teacher. Ask yourself: What does this pain tell me about what really matters to me?

• Anxiety often points to a deep care for the people or work in your life
• Sadness often points to a value for connection

If you gave up the pain, what would you have to stop caring about? Sometimes we realize that the pain is inextricably tied to our deepest values.

Resilience doesn’t come from organizing your life so the unexpected never happens. It comes from an intentional therapeutic surrender, disentangling yourself from the struggle to control the uncontrollable.

To be clear, this isn’t about giving up; it’s about “un-fusing” from the thoughts that keep you stuck. It means choosing willingness over avoidance. You aren’t losing the fight; you are simply refusing to stay in the ring with a ghost. By accepting yourself as a fellow explorer in uncharted territory, you take the pressure off.

Before you react to that next spike of urgency, give yourself space to come down from the emotional high. My favourite way to do this is to engage in some deep diaphragmatic breaths. As you breathe out imagine that you are adding that space around you to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings. This is where we access our wisest minds.

1. Stop and Pause: Notice when you are acting impulsively in a situation that doesn’t actually call for it.
2. Ground Yourself: Use Box Breathing or a sensory grounding exercise (start at your toes and notice how each part of your body feels).
3. Mindful Awareness: Observe your thoughts without evaluating them. Bring yourself back to the present when you stray—not if you stray, but when.

After my morning coffee (my own mindful start to every day), I like to ask myself two questions to keep my actions aligned with my values rather than my anxieties:

• What can I spend my time on today that moves me toward something important?
• What values (gratitude, kindness, authenticity) do I want my actions to support right now?

As wild as the world can be, your ancestors were wild survivors, too. You have what it takes to keep moving forward, even without a map.

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If you are feeling overwhelmed by the “wildness” of life and need help moving from avoidance to meaning, I am here to help. Reach out for a free consultation.

In the journey of life, we all encounter moments of “stuckness”—those times when challenging thoughts, difficult emotions, or unhelpful patterns seem to hold us captive. While traditional therapy often focuses on changing or eliminating these internal experiences, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a refreshing and powerful alternative.

ACT is a unique, evidence-based psychotherapy that helps you live a rich, full, and meaningful life, even in the presence of pain and struggle. Instead of fighting against your internal experiences, ACT encourages you to accept them, commit to actions aligned with your values, and ultimately, create a life that truly matters to you.

The Core Principles of ACT

ACT operates on six core processes, often visualized as a “hexaflex”:

1. Acceptance: This isn’t about resignation, but actively and non-judgmentally embracing your thoughts, feelings, and sensations—even the uncomfortable ones. It’s about making space for them, rather than trying to push them away.
2. Cognitive Defusion: Our minds often tell us stories that aren’t always true or helpful. Defusion is about learning to observe your thoughts without getting entangled in them. It’s recognizing that thoughts are just thoughts, not necessarily facts or commands.
3. Being Present: ACT emphasizes mindfulness—paying full attention to the present moment, without judgment. This helps you connect with your experiences as they happen, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
4. Self-as-Context: This refers to the “observing self”—the part of you that is always present, aware, and unchanging, even as your thoughts and feelings shift. It’s like the sky, which remains constant even as clouds (thoughts/feelings) pass through it.
5. Values: What truly matters to you? What kind of person do you want to be? Values are your heart’s deepest desires for how you want to live. ACT helps you clarify these values, which then serve as your compass for meaningful action.
6. Committed Action: Once you’re clear on your values, ACT guides you to take concrete steps, even small ones, that move you in the direction of those values. This is about building new patterns of behavior that align with the life you want to live.

How ACT Can Help You

ACT can be incredibly beneficial for a wide range of challenges, including:

• Anxiety and Depression: By fostering acceptance and defusion, ACT can help reduce the struggle with anxious thoughts and depressive feelings, allowing you to engage more fully with life.
• Stress: Learning to be present and accept difficult emotions can significantly reduce the impact of stress.
• Trauma: It can provide tools to process difficult memories and emotions without being overwhelmed, allowing for greater psychological flexibility.
• Relationship Issues: By clarifying values and taking committed action, ACT can help improve communication and build more fulfilling relationships.
• Life Transitions: Whether it’s a career change, loss, or new beginnings, ACT can provide a framework for navigating uncertainty with greater resilience.

Embracing a Life of Purpose

At its heart, ACT is about psychological flexibility—the ability to be present, open up, and do what matters. It’s not about feeling good all the time, but about living well, even when things are tough. By learning to accept what you cannot control and committing to actions that align with your deepest values, you can cultivate a life of purpose, meaning, and vitality.

If you’re feeling “stuck” or seeking a different approach to therapy, exploring Acceptance and Commitment Therapy might be the next step in your journey towards a more fulfilling life. Book a Good Fit Chat today!

The arrival of Spring brings the hope of bloom and warmer weather, summer and new beginnings.
Spring is a time for renewed energy, drive, and enthusiasm. Summer brings rest, relaxation and vacation! By now the dust has settled on our New Year’s resolutions. Perhaps now is the time, away from the societal pressures, to start on our goals for a refreshed body and mind. It is the opportunity to take advantage of the uplifting and rejuvenating attitude, brought on by the season’s natural end and new beginnings to achieve our goals for mental and physical wellness.

How do I recognize the need to invest in my wellbeing?

There are physical, mental, emotional, creative, spiritual and behavioural signs that our mind and body send us, signalling we are sliding into overwhelm. Physically it may show in the form of sleep disturbances, increased startle responses, and/or gastrointestinal issues. Emotionally and mentally we may experience a diminished capacity for listening or communication, a lost sense of purpose, and/or loss in confidence. Creatively and spiritually speaking, the experiencing of lost interest in those things that we previously enjoyed. Behaviourally we may show it in our sleep habits, through overeating or substance abuse. It is also notable that psychological demand is positively associated with distress, depression and burnout. Further, any changes experienced in one’s values, identity or worldviews, emotional numbing, and/or losing trust in others could indicate a slide into overwhelm.

What is involved in making the change?

The transtheoretical model of change tells us that it is critical that an adaptive model of lifestyle intervention be used that is specifically designed to target an individual’s stage and readiness for change behaviours. It is important that we identify our own stage of change when seeking to make the changes we desire. It might be that we are caught up in the contemplative or preparation stages, planning our improvements, engaging in self-reflection and building self-awareness. We may need that extra push to jump into the action stage to achieve those long-lasting positive health behaviours.

From my work as a psychotherapist and my own journey of self-care, I’ve discovered some consistent hurdles and barriers that stand in the way of making that jump from contemplative/preparation to action. Specifically, that feeling of being stuck and experiencing self-doubt (usually in the form of the self-critic) must be addressed before moving forward. The narrative that we’ve been telling ourselves for so long must be rewritten with self-confidence messages. This can be achieved through the introduction of self-compassion. It is helpful to monitor these changes through journaling or regular check-ins with the self during moments of distress and countering them with self-compassion messages. It may, also, involve self-soothing exercises such as breathing mindfully to reduce psychological overwhelm. The combination of self-soothing and self-compassion messaging helps to calm us down when we are upset.

How do I maintain the change?

Whereas self-care practices are usually recommended at a time of distress or following a level of impairment that necessitates mental health services, it is important to be preemptive in countering the development of burnout. By developing an internal awareness or attunement to the messages that you are pushing yourself into overwhelm you can take the steps to maintain your wellness and balance. Additionally, resiliency can be built by discovering any strengths and coping abilities that may buffer the effects of developing burnout.

Some examples of coping techniques include taking regular time to recharge, spending time with people who lift you up and give you energy and doing activities that you enjoy and find restorative. It is important to acknowledge that the prevention of burnout is an active process requiring constant fine tuning to get it right for the individual’s needs. Indeed, the most powerful tool one’s toolkit for combating burnout is an individualized, flexible self-care plan. One that addresses the individual’s needs currently and stays true to those needs in the moment.

The more preemptive self-care you do, the less you will need to employ in-the-moment self-soothing or coping strategies. The successful implementation and maintenance of a self-care plan will require good, strong boundaries that protect time for self-care and, likewise, a strong routine of self-care will help to support strong boundaries.

Why?

It is simple. You are worth it. It’s not unreasonable, and it’s achievable.

I am a Niagara based counsellor ready to help you in-person or virtually to create, maintain your goals for mental and physical wellness: book a free “good fit chat” today!

The good life is a process, not a state of being… The direction which constitutes the good life is that which is selected by the total organism, when there is psychological freedom to move in any direction.

—Carl Rogers

Living a life of aligned with your values means:

• Freedom
• You can stop carrying baggage
• Get and keep the relationships you desire

Wondering why you keep hitting walls? This will change it all for you.

Leaning into values-alignment in your life means casting a vote for the person that you most want to be on a daily basis. It means having a life that is worth putting the effort in and making the changes for. That’s what this blog post is about. It’s about finding the potential for valued living that may be hidden from view. It is about aligning with your values, so your actions fit your life. The meaning-filled and purposeful life is one where you are looking to live your values every single day.

When I’m working with people on their journey towards a meaningful and purposeful life, so many times they ask, “am I trying to come up with my vision based on my personal values or professional values, and I always will say ‘bring it all together!’ There is no difference. You are you both at work/school and at home, it is you that show ups every day in your job and at home. So it makes sense for you to be really clear on how you want to be showing up.

A values-aligned individual is someone who defines their core values and holds themselves accountable to those values.

If chosen freely and wisely, these core values will guide your practices to help you create a life of thriving and enrichment. You’ll find that your core values help serve as a compass for actions taken.

I have found that everyone has a WHY declaration that aligns with who they would most want to be in the world and it allows you to come back to your WHY and re-visit your values and remind yourself why you have chosen to commit to any effort or challenge you have undertaken. It also helps you to connect and remind yourself of the specific benefits that living a values aligned life brings into your life and the lives of your loved ones.

Values are our actions and behaviors. They are ways of living, not words. It is important that we identify that values are the things that you would freely chose to make important. Our values are lived out in the day-to-day moments, how we treat ourselves and others on an ongoing basis. Values are the directions along our journey of life, while goals are the markers along that journey. Values are about who we want to be in this world and in our relationships. And those relationships include our relationship with ourselves, since we’re the person we spend the most time with. Values have a consistency and integrity to them. They are the consistent compass that can guide all our interactions.

To identify values in your life, think about what a well-lived life would be for you personally, what you want your life to stand for, and the kind of person you want to be as you move through this world.

WHY Values?

So why do we talk about Values…

• Values create meaning
• Values provide consistency and sustain behavior
• Values tell you what works
• Values mean freedom, autonomy and ability to overcome obstacles

Values create meaning. Meaning is constructed in moments when we are connected with what matters, when we are in contact with a life we would define as being worth living. Being an individual who is guided by values works to build meaning and purpose by helping them have more and more moments connected with what matters most.

Values also provide consistency in that they can serve as a kind of verbal glue that links our actions and goals together to create a larger whole. Instead of life being a series of disconnected moments or accomplishments, values can be seen as part of a larger pattern or purpose. Values also provide consistency in that they are, arguably, an inexhaustible source of motivation. This can be contrasted with motivation based on aversive control strategies. In those times, our motivation is usually based on fear or shame or some other unpleasant feeling. But time passes, and with it so does that unpleasant feeling; and thus the motivation that was sustaining our behavior evaporates. We often need to be re-exposed to a motivator in order for that stimulus to continue to serve as a motivator and thus sustain behavior. Using values provides a more compassionate alternative and a more effective strategy when it comes to sustaining behavior change

Your dreams of a healthy, thriving life – live on the other side of consistency.

Values also tell you what works and at a fundamental level, values are the why. To be successful in life, having a “why” is essential. When you have a reason for doing what you are doing, that is powerful and touches something deep inside your core, that reason can lift you up and carry you through the most difficult of times. That reason (your “why”) can make the difference between your success versus falling victim to your own fears, or to the challenges and obstacles placed before you on your path.

Curious to learn more about values and discover your rich and meaningful life  – reach out today and book a free “good fit chat!”

I often will see people come for psychotherapy because they are experiencing a sense of being  lost, trapped or stuck in their lives. You feel as if no matter what you do, you cannot make the progress towards the things that give you fulfillment. You want to make the changes that will get you out of the “stuckness” but you get into a spiral of ambivalence and procrastination. It is possible that you’ve ended up in this purgatory state simply out of being too busy to address it. The basis for your sense of “stuckness” may be varied but the source tends to be a fear of uncertainty that comes with making changes to our lives.

Once you’ve identified the uncertainty and fear preventing you from making the necessary changes to remove you from the purgatory of “stuckness” perhaps you also want to discover what it means for you to live your truth and achieve flourishing. Within the literature, there are two types of happiness described eudaimonic wellbeing, which describes long-lasting and meaning driven growth that individuals experience, and hedonic wellbeing, which is more related to subjective, discreet happiness. The concept of eudaimonia and the related concept of self-actualization come from a desire to achieve personally meaningful interests. Eudaimonia is thought of as a way of living and a eudaimonic person is thought to be consciously engaged in self-awareness and self-reflection seeking to facilitate development of personal growth and self-actualisation. The promotion of this eudaimonic happiness comes from an individual’s ability to engage in self-regulation, goal-setting and personal growth to prevent maladaptation.

Psychotherapy helps you uncover the long-held (sometimes hidden) negative beliefs, emotions, and behaviour patterns that drive your resistance to change. It involves collaboratively identifying these negative beliefs and thought patterns and challenging them. In psychotherapy you are tasked with discovering your values and using those to commit to a plan of action. Further, psychotherapy is effective in strengthening self-compassion, self-worth, and ability to bounce back after setbacks. As old wounds emerge in the context of a safe, compassionate relationship, the therapist and client respond to the wounds in a more benign, understanding manner; and gradually the conversation with the clinician is internalized by the client as their own compassionate voice. And, over time, this cultivation of a compassionate inner voice allows the therapy to become portable.

When we achieve improvements to our self-efficacy, it promotes overall flourishing and personal growth beyond the areas targeted and results in a long-term impact on eudaimonic wellbeing through the setting and achievement of personal growth goals. The setting of personal growth goals that are specific, measurable, and achievable is supported by the literature as a means of increasing self-efficacy and attaining client-led, goal-related changes. Achieving success is predicated upon self-knowledge of your interests, values, strengths and understanding what drives you. The combination of these factors are the blueprint for building self-efficacy. It is important to engage in regular reflection activities to achieve these goals and generate motivation towards these goals. If you need any help in identifying your uncertainty towards change, developing goals for change, or building up your toolbox for resiliency feel free to reach out.

At a time when loneliness is almost at epidemic levels in our society, it is more important than ever to evaluate your connection to others. It may be that you have many social connections through work, home life, and social media but still feel lonely. It might be that you are missing deep, personal connection from family or close friends.

The Myth of Self-Love and Need for Social Connections.

There is value placed on autonomy within our individualistic Western culture and we are seeing increasing levels of isolation, loneliness and isolation. The statement that I’m sure you often hear touted by pop psychology is that “you have to love yourself before anyone can love you.” Stan Tatkin (2011), in his book Wired for Love, offers that it is not really possible to love yourself before someone ever loves you. You learn to love yourself and give yourself self-kindness because you have experienced being loved by someone. It is our interpersonal relationships and the ways in which we have interacted with others that have shaped the person we are today. To achieve mental wellness, there needs to be more of a priority placed on developing and maintaining the social connections we have with close friends and family.

Self-compassion.

The importance of social connections does not mean being codependent. In fact, sometimes meeting your own needs for love and acceptance requires self-compassion and placing fewer demands on your social support network. Indeed, it is important that you harbour good will and self-kindness towards yourself in order to overcome unnecessary suffering from inevitable relational pain. Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer (2018) explain that there are two types of relational pain, connection and disconnection. The pain of connection involves feeling empathy when those that we care about are suffering and the pain of disconnection is when we are experiencing loneliness, loss or rejection. Having self-compassion allows you to interrupt the negative cycle feelings attached to this pain. To achieve deep and personal connections with others, it is important that you gain the emotional resources needed to build resilience and sustain happy and healthy relationships in your life.

Balance.

Within the context of developing impactful, meaningful connections with others we learn to develop healthy boundaries and live a more balanced life. It is important, therefore, that you make time for family and friends enough that you can truly form deep relational bonds. As discussed in a previous blog post on boundaries, you might find that you’ve numbed yourself to your “yes” and “no,” by taking on too much. This is where the need for increased boundary setting comes in. To achieve the much sought after work/life balance will require good, strong boundaries that protect time for developing and maintaining a good, diverse network of people in your life that you’ve constructed deep relationships with.

At times it may be that, you can be your own source of support and love when others are unable to meet your needs, for whatever reason, meeting yourself with loving self-kindness. The bottom line is that, as human beings, we need relationships and connection with others. If you need help in reaching balance in your life, coping with loneliness, and achieving mental wellness – reach out and book an initial consultation today.

Making Mental Health Care Accessible: My Commitment to Affordable Psychotherapy

Access to mental health care is not a privilege; it is a fundamental human right. Yet, for many Canadians, the cost of support remains a significant barrier. Reports continue to highlight that a substantial portion of mental health spending comes directly out of pocket, alongside challenges like lengthy wait times and a reliance on high-cost services. This often leaves individuals unable to afford the long-term, consistent therapy they need, with private sessions ranging widely in cost.

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My Dedication to Affordable Care

My commitment to providing affordable psychotherapy stems deeply from my social justice background. My experiences, particularly working with marginalized refugee populations, have instilled in me a profound drive to recognize individual strengths, facilitate post-traumatic growth, and actively seek social justice. I understand that systemic socioeconomic barriers often prevent individuals from accessing the care they deserve. My practice is dedicated to finding avenues to improve access for these marginalized populations, offering compassionate care and enthusiastic support to help people achieve personal and post-traumatic growth.

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Partnering for Greater Accessibility: The Affordable Therapy Network

I am thrilled to be a proud member of the Affordable Therapy Network, a collective of dedicated therapists committed to expanding access to mental health care across Canada. This partnership allows me to offer more flexible and affordable options for therapy, ensuring that quality support is within reach even if you face financial constraints or lack comprehensive insurance coverage.

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Who I Support & How I Help

In my practice, I provide a safe, affirming, and person-centered environment, tailored to your unique needs. As a member of the queer community, I am particularly passionate about offering an inclusive space for 2SLGBTQ+ individuals. I work with a diverse range of clients, focusing on empowering them to navigate emotional pain, overcome feelings of “stuckness,” and effectively manage stressful life situations by developing new tools and skills.

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Get Started Today!

Location & Accessibility:

I offer in-person sessions at my office located at:
39 Queen Street, 3rd Floor, Unit 302
St Catharines, ON L2R 5G6

For those outside of St. Catharines or preferring remote access, I also provide virtual (online) psychotherapy across Ontario, Alberta, and British Columbia.

Taking the first step towards your mental wellness journey can feel significant. I offer a free “good fit chat” to discuss your needs and see if we are a good match.

You can learn more about my practice and book your free consultation through my booking portal or reach out directly via email:

➡️ Book Your Free Initial Consultation Here! ⬅️

Spencer@spencernpsychotherapy.com

Reach out today to get the compassionate care you deserve to reach your goals and foster your personal growth!